


Tips for Working with Sherlock Holmes (or How to Avoid Scathing Deductions and Blistering Insults)

by sherlockian4evr



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Advice, Crack, Ficlet, Gen, Humour, Workplace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 22:05:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16941540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockian4evr/pseuds/sherlockian4evr
Summary: For the kink meme prompt:Lestrade gets tired of needing to explain to every DI and officer and Scotland Yard about how to deal with Sherlock, so he opts to make a "How to" guide/pamphlet about working with Sherlock to hand out to everyone instead.Beta read bySherlock1110.





	Tips for Working with Sherlock Holmes (or How to Avoid Scathing Deductions and Blistering Insults)

**Tips for Working with Sherlock Holmes (or How to Avoid Scathing Deductions and Blistering Insults)**

* * *

This pamphlet is about how to interact safely with the Met's consulting detective, Sherlock Holmes.

Don't think that's a slur on Sherlock, far from it. If you were to find yourself facing a wild tiger, you wouldn't throw stones at it and expect to come away unscathed. The same principle applies to Sherlock Holmes.

Follow the tips below, and you may find your interactions with Sherlock, if not pleasant, then bearable. If you don't, don't come bitch at me about it. I've listened to the last complaint that I intend to. I've had enough of your bollocks.

1\. Do not call Sherlock ‘Freak’. I know it's a favourite, but it is guaranteed to get you deduced within an inch of your life. If you don't believe it, ask Seargent Sally Donovan. He'll blurt out your darkest secret with glee no matter how many people are around.

2\. Do not disturb the crime scene. If you do, prepare to have your intelligence belittled in the coldest and most brutal manner. Don’t look to me to stop it. You most likely will deserve it. He can see more in a layer of dust than most of you can in blood spatter.

3\. Do not offer your own theory as to the method of operation of the criminal being investigated, the crime scene, or anything else unless you are 100% certain of your theory because, if you are wrong, you will be verbally eviscerated. See item 2 above.

4\. In extremis, if Sherlock has pilfered evidence and you need it back, run a fake drugs bust; however, be prepared to be called by any name but your own for years, if not forever. Make sure it's absolutely worth it.

5\. Do not, I repeat, do not insult John Watson. Any consequence I have listed above is minor in comparison to what he might do if you insult John. Don't risk it, I beg you. If you do, I can only pray for your miserable soul.

If you have suggested addendums, see me,

Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade

**Author's Note:**

> I read and treasure every single comment I receive, but I'm totally crap at responding to them. Please know that they fuel me. Thank you in advance.
> 
> If you want to podfic or translate this or create a drawing based on it, go for it. Just please let me know and link back to my fic.
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://shippingintothenight.tumblr.com) or @sherlockian4evr on Twitter.
> 
> Find out how my muse is doing at [My Other Tumblr](http://sherlockian4evr-status.tumblr.com).


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